breaking the cycle

Tomorrow I'll be going to the local homeless/domestic violence shelter and donating a variety of clothes, toys and household items collected from co-workers over the past two weeks.

No one asks why I choose to support a domestic violence shelter, versus giving outgrown or unneeded stuff to a thrift store, for instance. I think it is one of those things that you don't really think about unless it happens in your family.

• What is abuse?

Domestic violence touches too many lives for it to be hidden and reside quietly in normal-looking houses where the victims live in denial, fear and shame.

I don't think of myself as a victim. I went through some stuff. It was nothing compared to what some go through. It challenged me, but it did not defeat me.

I chose to forgive. I know that a lot of people cannot understand how I could do this, but I did it for me. Being unforgiving places an unnecessary weight on your shoulders; a blackness that stains you. I will never forget what is in my past, but I do not let it rule my future. Remaining angry at someone doesn't hurt them, but the negativity can ruin you.

• Cycle of violence

In leaving, I was born again. Not in the Christian sense, but as a whole individual person, emerging from a cocoon. The support I received from family and friends was phenomenal. With their help, I have accomplished more in the past six years than in my entire life before that. The power of a positive outlook is amazing.

Life itself has not gotten easier. There have been very trying times, critical amounts of stress, even despair. Frustration and sadness, fear and anger still exist in life... but having love, security and support where there once was the absence of such things, makes even the most painfilled days much easier to bear. I could never say enough positive things about my new husband, and how accepting he is of my every flaw. And oh, they are many. Like the stars.

• Power and control

Check into your local domestic violence "safe place" and see what you may be able to do to help someone without the network that helped me emerge. Our local shelter has a website with a list of immediate needs for their families. Many times, a woman (or man*) will have to leave in the middle of the night with the children and nothing else; even the smallest thing that we often take for granted can be a blessing.


*note: both men and women can be abusive... linked text is written from the majority viewpoint of the male partner being the abuser